What social media doesn't tell you about dating.

 

#Couplegoals!

We've talked about first dates. 

Now let's talk Dating/Courtship. 

Dating is referred to as a romantic relationship between two people. in other words; boyfriend and girlfriend.

Courtship is a romantic relationship with the goal of marriage.

Be not deceived; there's a difference. 

According to a study by mentalhealth.net, romantic relationship has four stages: Attraction, curiosity/interest, becoming a couple, commitment/engagement. Something about patterns though, you have to figure out how it works for you. 

Social media today is awash with #relationshipgoals #Godwhen and the likes, but how does romantic relationships work the real world?

Now, people sometimes don't follow the regular patterns, but here are some things to look out for in dating or courtship, so as not to be a 21st century dummy.

Errrr..... Sorry sister, but did he ask you out..?

1. Relationships (Dating or courtships) must be verbally defined:

 Hanging out, spending time, regular checkups, living with someone, meeting their family and friends does not equate dating or courtship.

Ouch.

"So you mean after all these years of cooking for him, his friends calling me 'our wife', his sister chatting me up for girls' hangout and us exchanging "I love yous'... We're still not dating/courting?"

Yes. That's exactly what it means. 

If there was no asking from him and response from you (or the other way around 😉), then you both are just catching cruise (Not official), and probably wasting the time of the one person that wants more. 

Well.... As long as you know there needs to be an 'asking', suit yourself ;)

2. The man doesn't always define the relationship in the beginning, you might have to ask what he wants. Yes. The definition of the relationship is not solely dependent on the man. So don't go believing you have to wait for him to ask you out/put a ring on it. If it's left to most men (sorry guys) they're comfortable with catching cruise, so before you let the attention he pays you get to head (or heart), you have to figure out what you want from that person, and ask the right questions to be sure you both want the same things to avoid being strung along. 

Whatever you are.... Be honest, be kind.

3. Honesty is the best policy, and asking for what you want doesn't make you a hoe or cheap. So I heard someone say: If I tell her I just want sex, she'll walk away, so why not buoy her up with romance, get sex and walk away...?

Deep sigh. 

There'll always be dishonest people, and there's no straight solution to all relationship problems, but I've learnt, and I'm still learning that being upfront about your needs would save you a lot of trouble. 

If you just want sex as a guy, respectfully tell her. For every one that walks away, there's another who's willing (it shouldn't be a do or die affair). If you want a committed relationship as a lady, don't let Twitter deceive you, there are ways to ask him. He might not want the same, but he saved you time and effort. You can walk away unbroken and be free to meet someone else. And if he does want the same thing you do, your question might be just what he needed to put it into perspective for him. It's a win-win for you sister. 

Oh no, I don't know you. Who are you, and what exactly do you want?

4. Don't ever assume they know you well or are mature enough to predict what you want. 

You hear things like: Come off it, we're both adults now, do I have to spell everything out? 

Yes Sir/Ma, you do. 

Be it someone you've just met, or a friend you've known for years that starts paying you attention, do not let them bully you into complacency. When it comes to matters of the heart, you can't be too careful. So your answer to the question above can sound like this: "Of course, I have an idea where this might be heading, but I'd really like us to discuss this as adults; what exactly do you want from me? "

5. Take the answer to a direct question seriously: Its hard to be rejected, but as an adult, know that it is part of life. You have to 'man' up (or woman up 🤔) and accept it, not avoid it due to ego and pride. 

When put in a corner, honest people either blurt out the truth or confidently tell you as it is. Either ways, you'll leave that spot with an answer you can bank on. If they say they want a committed relationship, they really do. You can run with that. If they say they don't, they mean it. Don't try to be the disbelieving mind changer. It could end in tears. Although, many a 'nos' have turned to 'yeses',( but that's story for another post) you always have to take the first response seriously. 

You want something? Say so. You don't want something? Please, say so! People are not mind readers 😖

6. If you're old enough to be in a relationship,  then you're old enough to be open about your needs. Ladies, he's asked you to be his girl, you've accepted his offer, do tell your man what you want! They are not mind readers. Tell him what makes you feel loved. Don't fall for the "If he loves me, he'll make me happy line". Of course he wants to make you happy, but he'll need your help.  

Dear men, we know you may not be so much in touch with your feelings as women are, but share your mind with your woman. Don't fall for the " real men know how to keep it all together " line. Sure, you want to keep it all together, and that's great, but if you're in a relationship, you should let your partner know how you want to be loved. 

7. You still have to ask your woman to marry you, and make active plans towards it. That's what takes you to the engagement stage of courtship. 

So, you've defined your romance as courtship and you've both been talking about/planning a future together, but you still need to make it official. A proposal (private or public) has to made to declare marital intention. The marriage and wedding planning have to commence immediately or else you're making them Lord (or Lady) of the rings. Period. 

8. Romantic relationships require work.

Time to relax? Never. You have to keep working at knowing each other, being kind and respectful, being better as individuals and being better as a couple. How do you do this work? By practicing The Five Love Languages on each other regularly. 

So go ahead and figure out what you want from your relationships. Set your goals and standards. It might be scary at first. (No one wants to be rejected) You're probably thinking you'll scare them away. Yes you will scare the wrong people always with your standards. Those are the kinds of people you'll want to avoid, right? Right. 

A life of fulfilment awaits you, if only you can reach for it without assumptions but with boldness. 

See you soon.

XoXo; RHD 💜💜