Intentional Parenting: Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children.
Are We Raising Sound Children or Repeating Patterns?
A gentle but honest look at parenting, generational trauma, and intentional motherhood in today’s world.
Growing up a picky eater, I heard things like “Look! Your sister has finished her food, why haven't you eaten yours?” I heard statements like “because I said so” and several situations where I was wrongly accused of something, or yelled at, but never got an apology. Back then, I thought that was just what parenting looked like. It was the norm—firm, unquestionable, and built around obedience. Now, as a mother, I often catch myself pausing mid-sentence, wondering: Is this really how I want to raise my children? Am I nurturing them into full, emotionally healthy adults—or am I simply repeating the same parenting scripts handed down to me?
The truth is, many of us are raising children while still carrying the weight of our own childhood wounds. We’re navigating parenthood with more awareness than our parents had, but not always with more clarity. While obedience is still an important value for children to learn (especially the very young and impressionable), the freedom to question, the high spirits that come with curiosity, and the self confidence it builds should not be over looked. Seeking to be a physically and emotionally present parent, who encourages boldness, apologises when wrong, corrects with love, models kindness and good character should be our goal.
The Patterns We Don’t Question
Let’s be honest: Parenting, especially from the previous generation, was rooted in survival and structure. Our parents raised us in times of economic changes/ struggles, societal pressure, and cultural expectations. They did what they knew—and most of it came from what they were taught.
But many of those methods were laced with fear, shame, and emotional suppression. The child who asked “why?” was seen as rude. Tears were interpreted as weakness. Boundaries didn’t exist. You were either “well-behaved” or you were “a problem child.” These patterns run deep, and they don’t always show up as violence or yelling. Sometimes, it’s silence. Sometimes, it’s emotional unavailability. And often, it’s unknowingly treating our kids like burdens instead of people. Swearing at, or saying unkind words to them, and taking out our anger, and upsets from the day on them so frequently, and unintentionally that it becomes a pattern.
Emotional Intelligence Wasn’t in the Manual
Our parents gave what they had. But what they often didn’t have was emotional literacy.
Nobody taught them how or when to identify emotions, validate feelings, or hold space for disagreement. Conflict was avoided or shut down. Apologies were rare. Vulnerability was discouraged. And so we grew up learning how to suppress, perform, or withdraw—never quite understanding why we felt what we felt.
The ripple effects are everywhere. Adults who can’t say “I’m hurt,” or "I need space", so they lash out. Women who apologize for having needs. Men who don’t know how to express their feelings. People-pleasers. Stonewallers...
And now, many of us are parenting from that same place.
Motherhood and Mirrors
Motherhood has a way of holding up a mirror to your inner child. It’s in those moments when your toddler cries uncontrollably in public and reflex says to yell, or spank them—or when your child says “I’m scared” and your instinct is to say “There’s nothing to be scared of.” It’s when you see your child struggle with emotions and realize you never learned to navigate yours either.
I have had moments when my toddler has pressed me for answers to a particular request, and I have yelled at her in response. In those moments, I catch myself and ask: Why let a toddler rile me up so much? If this was an adult, someone I respected, would I have yelled? If I wasn't currently upset or worried about something, would I have been calmer?
So, I soften my tone, and ask myself: “How can I help her feel better?” And in that moment, I chose something different.
A hug, a smile, a break from what I was doing to really listen to her, and help her out. Sometimes, an apology is necessary (yes, even to a toddler). Sometimes, a hug will do, but most of the time, your full attention might be needed to fix a problem, listen to an idea, or proffer a solution. The reward? Their unconditional love and trust. A huge smile or giggle that tugs your heart. A reminder that you are their whole world right now, and you just made it better, also that you are doing great at creating a memorable childhood for them.
Faith, Therapy, and Community
Prayer has been a steady guide through this journey. A silent whispered 'help me Holy Spirit... I'm so mad right now...' has calmed me too many times to count. It reminds me that peace can exist even in a storm. That I can be firm and still be kind. That discipline doesn’t require fear, It requires love. Lots of love.
Honest conversations—especially with other mothers can be a game changer. When my mum visited recently, the topic of raising children, and some things I didn't enjoy about my childhood came up. I brought up some comparison incidents that made me feel ashamed as a child... Things like “Look! Your sister has finished her food, why haven't you eaten yours?” I also believed it made my sister feel kind of superior and better than me at the time. She nodded and agreed that there was limited knowledge on emotional intelligence at that time, and that shame was supposed to be a motivator to do better in their generation, but it didn't work for me. She boldly stated that I should do differently as a parent. Her unspoken apology, but silent acknowledgement of what I went through at that time, healed a piece of my inner-child
I’ve learned the power of asking for help, of reading, of listening to my child. I mean, It's tough to understand toddler-language, but if you put your mind to it, you can read between their words, and understand their emotions. I’ve created space to reflect, to process, and to forgive. And most importantly, I’m learning to re-parent myself as I parent my children.
Motherhood was never meant to be a solo sport. We need safe spaces. We need each other. And we need the courage to say, “I want to do better.”
Raising Better, Not Bitter
So what does it look like to raise children without repeating the same patterns?
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It looks like apologizing when you mess up.
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It looks like letting your child express anger without shutting it down.
It looks like letting them ask questions no matter how stupid they sound to you.
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It looks like setting boundaries with love.
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It looks like teaching them how to use their voice; kindly.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present—and honest enough to admit when you’re learning on the job.
Here are a few things I try to practice:
Saying “I love you” often. Giving lots of hugs—but also honouring her need for space when she asks for it.
Letting my child see me pray, praying with her as well.
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Creating room for questions, even when I don’t have the answers.
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Correcting without judgment, or shame.
Apologising when I’m wrong, mean, or unkind. And teaching her to recognise when she’s wrong, and how to say sorry too.
Showing gratitude often, and helping her learn to say thank you when someone is kind, helpful, or gives her something.
An Invitation to Reflect
If you’ve read this far, I want to ask you something: What did you need as a child that you didn’t get?
And are you giving that to your children now?
This isn’t about blaming our parents. It’s about choosing to evolve. To break the cycle. To raise children who don’t have to heal from their upbringing.
So I ask again: Are we raising children—or are we just repeating patterns?
Let’s choose better. With grace. With truth. And with hearts wide open.
Do you have some healthy parenting tips to share? Let me know in the comments below. Till next time,
XoXo; RHD đź’śđź’śđź’ś
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