Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

........And how can you help them?

How do they even get there to start with?

This week, Lagos media was haywire with news of an upcoming artiste who beat his girlfriend to a pulp.

Phone chats expose the fact that it's been going on for quite sometime and that the abused lady in question had tried to leave the relationship. 

If you're looking for the most romantic, sweettalkers, you'll find them in abusers. 

The boyfriend was able to convince her to give them one more shot, and this time, the beatings landed her in the hospital, taking MRI scans. 

How does abuse come into what's supposed to be a loving relationship? Each case is unique, but here are the most popular:

1. Emotional blackmail: The abuser mostly lays emphasis on their extreme emotions. How they really love you, would do anything for you and just require you to love them in return. They lovingly separate the victim from friends and family, claiming they don't like to share their time with so many people. They also hint and sometimes brag about being a little aggressive, or expressive with their anger. They say things like 'I don't take nonsense from anyone' .

2. The element of surprise: That moment the first slap lands, the victim is too shocked to believe their loving, over protective partner just hit them. Shame and self doubt sets in. "Why" is the next thing they'll likely ask. "You got me really mad" the abuser will respond. "You made me treat you that way... You know I love you... I'll do anything to make it up to you.."  Once the victim can swallow this pill, the pattern has been set. 

A defense mentality kicks in and they try to explain the abuser's actions to themselves, over and over again and soon, they believe it. 

3. Low self-esteem: Gradually, the victim's self-esteem fades. No matter how smart, popular or otherwise, beautiful or handsome or plain they are.  Their self confidence has been eroded. They try as much as possible to be 'good' for this person, sadly, it'll never be enough. So they take comfort in the abuser's apologies and promises of love. "At least he loves me. As bad as I am, he still loves me. If I leave, who's going to tolerate me this way? I deserve this". Or " Where do I even go from here? "

4. Psychological disorder: The victim can't tell reality apart from the illusion that has been created for them anymore. Recently, I learned that this is even the first step for some abuse victims. A friend told me of an ex, who broke up with him cos he won't beat her. My, my, the psychology of some people have already been damaged since childhood! So bad, they believe abuse is a display of love and correction. Such persons expect or even welcome abuse in their relationships. Ouch. 

So why don't the abused seek help?

1. Shame and fear: I brought this on myself... I deserve this.... He'll ruin me if I expose him. I can't go back to my family, they'll reject me. I'll be a failure in the society....

2. Normalization and Insufficient help facilities: Imagine an abused person going to the police to report, and the police say: "It's normal for your man to correct you. Try not to offend him so often." Or  in case of man: "How  can a woman beat up a man like you? Are you not man enough? Show her what you're made of!" 

3. Financial Instability and Low self esteem: The abuser often makes sure his/her victim is totally dependent on him/her. "You have no where to go, I'm the only one kind enough to take care of you. Who will give an idiot like you a job? 

Brutal right? So how do well meaning people help abuse victims?

No, not with guns blazing and fists ready to physically fight for them but....

1. Call the police if you're certain you're in a place where police response is swift and effective. 

Or

Gather a team of well meaning neighbors or friends to diffuse the situation.

 If there's a physical abuse around you (You can hear or see beatings, punching and screaming), running to the rescue might be your first instinct, but not the safest for you or the victim. However, there's safety in numbers. The police or a group of people are the best bet. 

2.  Make time for the victim and listen without judgement:  Separating the victim from the abuser is not the final solution to the problem. In most cases, they get back together even after a public fallout. If you want to help, you can't afford to be emotional. The "if you can't see that you need to stay away from that man/woman then you're not my daughter/son/sister/brother/friend!" approach would most likely not work. 

Save the judgment and anger for your private corner, and be open to listening to them. Become a safe place for them to open up and rant. Constantly  reassure them that it's not their fault, and help is available if they ever want it. 

3. Do not promise to help if you're not capable. Helping an abuse victim involves seeking out counselling, safe jobs, or start up cash, shelter, restraining orders or physical protection (if need be) as they begin to require it. Note that you're not to force, coerce, bully or blackmail them into accepting your help, but gently persuade, and let then know what's available in terms of help should they reach out.  

4. Not patient enough? Not physically present? or you simply can't bear to go through the rigorous process with them? Liaise with a help center close by on their behalf, and do your best to follow up. 

5. Lastly, and most importantly; Pray for them. This is something you may not hear often as we live in a free world that no longer sees the importance of talking to God. Abuse is a deep  wound that could take a lifetime to heal, but God heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3 ) Prayers will go a longer and faster way in healing and God himself will reward you for standing in the gap for a wounded brother/sister. 

Share your thoughts on this in the comment section. 

Till next time:

XoXo; RHD 💜💜